Scared and fearful near Woking!

The thing is, I’m scared. Or if not scared, certainly worried and a bit (a lot) unsure. Crazy, but it isn’t. Not really. What I do know is that I’m not looking forward to next Saturday. I should be. Seeing Flavia after 126 days (more by that time) should fill me with excitement, happiness, euphoria. But it isn’t and that upsets me. I am scared/worried/unsure. All that time ago, in August, when Simon telephoned to say she didn’t want to see me or speak to me again I questioned it (obviously. I mean, who wouldn’t?). I told him I had to hear it from Flavia – he’s put words in to people’s mouths before, why not now? He told me I couldn’t speak to her right then but should ‘phone back five hours later. I did. To the second. I waited all day, anxious, worried, fearful. The ‘phone was engaged and I had a nerve wracking half an hour wait before I could get through. When I did, he told me Flavia didn’t want to speak to me, but I insisted. I had to. This was my life, my baby we were talking about. I could feel myself crumbling as I made my demand; terrified he was telling the truth. Finally he walked up the stairs, so slowly it was incredible and in to her bedroom where she was watching television. He said, ‘it’s Mummy,’ and I could hear that she was unwilling to say anything. She was reluctant to speak, which made me start to believe that Simon was actually telling the truth (please note, I didn’t say, ‘for once’). I spoke to her (you have no idea how difficult it was to keep my voice level and non-accusatory - I was shaking) and said I gathered she didn’t want to come to our house the next day. She took the ‘phone away from her ear and I heard her say, ‘You said you’d tell her. You said you’d tell her,’ and heard Simon say, ‘I did.’ I cannot describe how I felt. I could see the structure of my world collapsing as I listened to her. She passed the ‘phone back to Simon and that was it. Almost. I tried fighting my corner, difficult when all I wanted to do was creep somewhere dark and safe, curl up in to a ball and cry forever. I told Simon that, if Flavia refused to see or speak to me I needed a reason, needed to hear it from her and we needed to meet in a neutral area, suggesting Guildford. At first he agreed; then changed his mind. We argued (or at least, I tried, but I’m a terrible coward where he is concerned, trembling when I counter him) and I pointed out Flavia had made accusations against him and said she wanted to live with us (which he knew, since we discussed it in depth last Autumn before he made her change her mind, telling her she was all he had), yet we had insisted she return to him to assess how she really felt. He should return the compliment. He refused and told me he had no intention of helping me see or speak to Flavia ever again. Then hung up. Later that evening I had a telephone call from Flavia. I can remember it now, in every painful, excruciating detail. She called me a liar. Repeatedly. Told me she had never said she wanted to leave Simon and then chanted down the ‘phone, ‘Liar, liar, Freya. Liar, liar, Freya.’ She hung up. Mark had been listening on the extension and he couldn’t believe his ears. Neither could I. I stood, the receiver in my hand, unable to move, unable to breathe. Was this what my daughter thought of me? When I did manage to move I did jerkily, as though I had forgotten how to co-ordinate my limbs. I was broken. So, I’m not sure whether I really want next Saturday to happen. How can I when one considers what has gone on before? Mark thinks she was put up to it (or at least he SAYS he thinks she was put up to it) and that Simon was egging her on when she made that sneering telephone call. Whether he was or not, it happened and the pain is still there, still inside me, still with me. My trust, my belief in her has been badly shaken. Mark tells me I have to remember what my life was like with him, how it felt to be manipulated, the mind games he played: and I was an adult. Yet the fear persists. She need not have been quite so cutting, quite so horrible to me. So, I feel sick, nervous and not at all happy about our forthcoming meeting. The child I knew, the child who kept telling Mark and I how much she loved me has gone. I sometimes doubt her veracity. Simon always commented on what a liar she is. As well as lying about Mark and I was she also lying about her feelings about me? Mark says I’m daft (not in so many words, but you get my drift), that I’m letting my fears get the better of me. I shouldn’t fear seeing my ten year old daughter for the first time in what will be 134 days – but I do. What will it be like? What will she be like? I cannot imagine the usual scream of ‘delight’ and hug. Caution (certainly on my side) and wariness. I am deeply hurt by her claims and behaviour. Maybe I do dwell on it too much, but she was the only happiness in my life for so long that to have her deny it is (to be crude and rather blunt) gut-wrenching. I have already warned Louise that I shall not be good company for the next week. I seem to have lost my capacity for humour. Fear does that. Excuse me whilst I go somewhere and lick my wounds.

Worried, scared and crying jags

I'm feeling low, for a variety of reasons. Yesterday I was in work, obviously. Louise, my colleague was ill, so I tried to ensure everything was okay with her side of things. Didn't stop one of those covering her classes complaining because she had to move the textbooks from the desk behind her to the desk in front of her and (horror of horrors) she had to put the video in the video recorder! She was unable to do her own work for 20 minutes!! Oh, hell. When one thinks of the number of lessons I've covered where there is no work and you're constantly checking on the kids - you're not supposed to ignore them and do your own work in cover lessons - you are supposed to engage with them.

At lunchtime I had some detainees tidy my room and Louise's. One lesson to go, but it was on loss and suddenly it all got too much. They sat in silence as Miss cried in front of them. I could only think of Flavia. I miss her so much and sometimes it overwhelms me. Yesterday I lost it. If I could have made it wait 70 minutes I would but I couldn't control the tears. It took me almost ten minutes to take the register! Ten minutes! It was actually a relief when Ravinder, the Cover Supervisor, came in to say Louise's room had been trashed. Something else to think about.

I managed to get through the lesson - I think the kids were glad to get out! Ravinder had had a hellish time, including being hit in the face with a projectile. Louise has had terrible trouble with that class. I just wanted to get home. Sanctuary. Security. Unfortunately G and her pals were lying in wait. It was the story as before and poor Mark was confronted by a sobbing wife as I walked through the door. It wasn't the silly little idiots, not really. It was Flavia and Simon. I managed to stop him going off in search of them (although I have to admit to a deep and rather secret wish to see them with bloodied noses). I then had to 'phone the Police to report a verbal assault - second one in a week. Wow. I get all the fun.

Then, this morning, a letter from Simon's solicitor. They want the venue changed to Eastbourne since travelling to Guildford will cause him unnecessary expenditure. And what about Mark and I travelling to Eastbourne? He lives an hour from Guildford, as opposed to the three hours for us to get to Eastbourne. He also accuses me of 'ganging' up on Flavia and that Mark shouts at her. He raised his voice. Once. When she threw a tantrum, hit him, flung sweets in his face and climbed out of her bedroom window. The resultant confrontation lasted less than 5 minutes. She's scared, apparently and suffers enormous distress when Simon collects her. Maybe, but only because she was leaving us. They also ingored the fact that Mark and I are applying together. He can use Mark as a reason for denying me access but not acknowledge him as Plaintiff. He also accused us of not trying to have any contact with Flavia since July AND that I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her. Thank heavens we have the evidence to disprove all that.

However, I don't know whether he can get the hearings moved to Eastbourne. I hope not. It will be so difficult for us and when I think I used to have an 11 hour round trip each time we had a hearing last time around whilst all he had to do was drive 30 minutes! Hell, I think I deserve a little consideration this time. He also says in his application that he no longer thinks I should have contact with Flavia. I'm sorry, but he is a bastard.

I've tried marking and getting a scheme of work together today but throughout it I keep thinking of Flavia - and Simon. Will he get his own way, again? We wrote a letter to the Court refuting every argument they made but I don't know. I'm worried and a bit scared and really, really want to do my ostrich impersonation. But I know I can't. I just have a strong desire to maintain the status quo, to not make waves to keep everything safe. The same. I am a coward - and self knowledge does me no good whatsoever!

Wish me luck. I know I'll need it.