She Came!!!

Yes!!! As the kids say, 'Result!' Okay, it sounds silly, but it's true. I got to the railway station at 10.40 (not as arduous as it sounds - only a 5 minute trip on the train) and stood outside the railway station until 11.05, waiting, watching, wondering. Getting colder by the second, as well. Brrrr. Then, at about 11.10 my mobile rang and it was Simon. 'Where are you?' Duh. At the railway station, of course. 'So are we. There are two entrances.' You don't say. Your solicitor certainly knew! Hence she stipulated which entrance we should meet. 'I'll meet you at the entrance.' Just as I was about to ask WHICH entrance, the idiot hung up. I guessed he meant the wrong one so went up and over the tracks, down the platform and found them at the wrong entrance. Men!! We (Flavia and I, of course, not Simon and I), hugged and kissed and I was relieved to see she was more sensibly dressed this time. Even had gloves and hat as well as a scarf. Simon raced off down the platform and we took our time. Flavia told me she was so excited to see me she hadn't had breakfast (although I suspect it had something to do with not being a morning person and having to leave the house at 9.00 am!) Apparently they saw me arrive at 10.40 but he refused to allow her to call out to me. Anyway, we had five hours together. We shopped and talked, although the latter is rather difficult when you have no where to settle. I cheated and used a dictaphone to catch Flavia's answers to my questions regarding whether she was scared of Mark etc. She knew about it. I told her Mark needed to hear it from her rather than me. She told me that Simon has kindly stated she will be allowed to come to our house after Christmas. What's wrong with Christmas, since she's supposed to be with us? He's made arrangements to go to a friend's house, apparently. I know it's boloney. If she comes here once that's his argument regarding her fear and loathing of coming here in a hand basket. As we ate lunch I asked again about August. It's like a bad tooth, I keep fussing with it. She told me it had nothing to do with her. She had packed a backpack with a couple of Barbies, toys, colouring pencils etc to use on the train and then Simon informed her she wasn't coming to us! My poor baby. She's confused, I'm confused. Mark isn't. I think part of it is Simon's upcoming anniversary regarding his ordination. He 'phoned in April to say he wants Flavia to be confirmed on his 20th Anniversary. It was disturbing listening to him. He wasn't interested in whether she wants to be confirmed or that it will be her experience - it was all a reflection of him. Adding to his glory. I suspect he doesn't want Mark and I to be there, hence he's pushed his desire to get us out of her life altogether. I feel so sorry for her, so terribly sorry. She's being damaged. I wish he would be sensible, but I know he can't. For nearly 20 years I listened to him, and watched him conspire and plot to 'destroy' those who went against him. Why on earth should I think he's not going to try to do the same thing with me? Crazy. My betrayal is so much greater because I was his wife and thus the loyalty demanded was so much greater. It's very wearing being the target of so much animosity, so much hate. The solicitor we saw said it will never be over, he will always be attacking, trying to undermine. She was right. It's amazing how many professionals look at the case and tell me it's personal. It has absolutely nothing to do with Flavia. Yet she is the one who will suffer the most. I don't know what to do about it. If I did what he wanted, she would be totally in his power and damaged that way. If I stay and fight him for my right to have contact with her, she'll be damaged by the battle and the bitching he uses against me (I do my best not to criticize him to her, although I had to laugh this afternoon when she described him as a 'jerk'. Hell, I couldn't but agree - although it was silent!) So, I saw her. Spent five hours shopping with her and returned home with sore feet and something of a sore heart. She should have been coming home with me, decorating with us, living with us, sharing our Christmas morning. Instead she'll be with her father and although I have no doubt she'll have plenty of presents, what about the love and companionship? Will it be as before? Allowed in to the sitting room for two or three hours in the morning before being banished to a bedroom and the tv? Told not to make a mess, not to make a noise? Okay our house is messy and sometimes noisy (depending on whose music we're listening to - and what the music is. Tell me you can listen to the 1812 Overture at p or pp and I'll call you a liar) but it is full of love and we don't care if Flavia is helping to make the mess as long as she also helps to clear up. I asked her to 'phone on Christmas Day. Is there any point in my calling her? He's refused to allow me to speak to her on Christmas Day before, making me wait until New Years and she was at the pantomime. I'll see. The desire may be too much. I wish she were with us now.