I did it!!

Oh my God, I've done it. This afternoon after work. All the time a voice keeps going around and around in my head, 'he's going to be so angry, he's going to be so angry.' It's scary. I don't know what's worse, my fear or my anger at myself because of the fear. Throughout the residency battle I kept thinking one thing, 'don't rock the boat.' Whatever I did, I had to make sure I didn't do that. I was terrified of upsetting him, of doing or saying something that would annoy him. Probably helps to explain why I only got joint residency. That and his collar, of course. Now I've really upset him; he just doesn't know it yet. When he does...Oh my God. I'm dreading it. He's going to be so angry...there I go again. The fear, the terror, the dread. Only someone who has been there knows how paralysing it is. I feel sick just thinking about it. I want to hide. Forever. Of course, I haven't said what I've done. I've applied to the Court. He doesn't expect that. I don't have rights, I've known that for years, but I also know he doesn't expect me to challenge his decision to abduct Flavia. I should be a good (ex) wife and submit to his decision - as I did so often during the first Court case. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I've said 'no' to him and challenged his authority - and that includes this time. I sent it this afternoon - the next few days are going to be hell. I'm dreading it. His reaction. Actually, angry is far too weak a word. He'll be furious. Murderous. Possibly literally. Especially since I'm not only asking to have the initial Court order upheld, I'm applying (with Mark) for sole residency. Oh my God. I have to. I'm worried about Flavia. He's abusive. She's already told us on more than one occasion that he intentionally shows her his genitals, insists on smearing her own with cream himself and also demands she share a double bed with him whilst on holiday - and his own single bed from time to time too. He punches her, too. This, coupled with his decision to isolate her from me, scares me. What is he preparing to do with or to her? She's ten. Beautiful. His. He was always convinced he owned me and, when she was born, that she was a possession too. What the hell is going on there? I know I could get social services involved but, when I mentioned my concerns to the solicitor two years ago he told me just what Mark said. No-one will believe me. He's a clergyman. Untouchable. Inviolate. Only when he has actually, obviously, abused her can I do anything. Can you believe it? I have to wait and, despite my concerns, can do nothing until he sexually abuses my darling daughter. All because of his collar. No wonder I sometimes feel the world is going mad. And, despite this, all the time that damned voice is whispering in my ear, 'he's going to be so angry.' I lived for so long with only one consideration. Will this anger Simon. Is the food hot enough? Is the lavatory paper soft enough? Is the room immaculate enough (the answer to the latter was always 'no')? I used to watch people talking to him, especially Parishioners and hold my breath. Please, don't say anything that will annoy him, please don't upset him in any way. Please. I wanted to go down on my knees before them and beg. They never knew how terrified I was. Sometimes I didn't know how much I had stiffened until they moved away and I could relax - until the next person. It's exhausting living with that sort of pressure, those fears, that stress. They rarely knew they had annoyed him though. That pleasure was left to me, when we got home. Then the recriminations, the shouts, the abuse would start. He couldn't let outsiders know how he felt. He needed their approbation, their approval, possibly their influence at a later date. I knew, though. The hate, the loathing, the distaste he had for them was visited on me. Sometimes it felt as though it were a hundredfold. Please God don't let him be visiting that on my baby