I'm feeling low, for a variety of reasons. Yesterday I was in work, obviously. Louise, my colleague was ill, so I tried to ensure everything was okay with her side of things. Didn't stop one of those covering her classes complaining because she had to move the textbooks from the desk behind her to the desk in front of her and (horror of horrors) she had to put the video in the video recorder! She was unable to do her own work for 20 minutes!! Oh, hell. When one thinks of the number of lessons I've covered where there is no work and you're constantly checking on the kids - you're not supposed to ignore them and do your own work in cover lessons - you are supposed to engage with them.
At lunchtime I had some detainees tidy my room and Louise's. One lesson to go, but it was on loss and suddenly it all got too much. They sat in silence as Miss cried in front of them. I could only think of Flavia. I miss her so much and sometimes it overwhelms me. Yesterday I lost it. If I could have made it wait 70 minutes I would but I couldn't control the tears. It took me almost ten minutes to take the register! Ten minutes! It was actually a relief when Ravinder, the Cover Supervisor, came in to say Louise's room had been trashed. Something else to think about.
I managed to get through the lesson - I think the kids were glad to get out! Ravinder had had a hellish time, including being hit in the face with a projectile. Louise has had terrible trouble with that class. I just wanted to get home. Sanctuary. Security. Unfortunately G and her pals were lying in wait. It was the story as before and poor Mark was confronted by a sobbing wife as I walked through the door. It wasn't the silly little idiots, not really. It was Flavia and Simon. I managed to stop him going off in search of them (although I have to admit to a deep and rather secret wish to see them with bloodied noses). I then had to 'phone the Police to report a verbal assault - second one in a week. Wow. I get all the fun.
Then, this morning, a letter from Simon's solicitor. They want the venue changed to Eastbourne since travelling to Guildford will cause him unnecessary expenditure. And what about Mark and I travelling to Eastbourne? He lives an hour from Guildford, as opposed to the three hours for us to get to Eastbourne. He also accuses me of 'ganging' up on Flavia and that Mark shouts at her. He raised his voice. Once. When she threw a tantrum, hit him, flung sweets in his face and climbed out of her bedroom window. The resultant confrontation lasted less than 5 minutes. She's scared, apparently and suffers enormous distress when Simon collects her. Maybe, but only because she was leaving us. They also ingored the fact that Mark and I are applying together. He can use Mark as a reason for denying me access but not acknowledge him as Plaintiff. He also accused us of not trying to have any contact with Flavia since July AND that I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her. Thank heavens we have the evidence to disprove all that.
However, I don't know whether he can get the hearings moved to Eastbourne. I hope not. It will be so difficult for us and when I think I used to have an 11 hour round trip each time we had a hearing last time around whilst all he had to do was drive 30 minutes! Hell, I think I deserve a little consideration this time. He also says in his application that he no longer thinks I should have contact with Flavia. I'm sorry, but he is a bastard.
I've tried marking and getting a scheme of work together today but throughout it I keep thinking of Flavia - and Simon. Will he get his own way, again? We wrote a letter to the Court refuting every argument they made but I don't know. I'm worried and a bit scared and really, really want to do my ostrich impersonation. But I know I can't. I just have a strong desire to maintain the status quo, to not make waves to keep everything safe. The same. I am a coward - and self knowledge does me no good whatsoever!
Wish me luck. I know I'll need it.
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